I-

 

Its Sunday and today is the only day I get to spend with myself. Believe me I love to spend time with myself. Just Myself. These days, I don’t get enough time with myself and so I plan a ton of things to do on a Sunday. But I don’t know why the Universe conspires against me spending time with myself. On other days of the week, the distance between me and my Self is a long one but on a Sunday the distance feels longer because perhaps the desire to lessen the distance is more.

Anyway, today morning I began reading an essay by Abdul R. Mohamed. The title of the essay is Worldliness-without-world, homelessness-as-home. I couldn’t proceed much and a thought about my own existence struck me!

The daily routine of my essence is to please my mother. She has been through a lot so I desire to be someone who she is happy with. But the trouble is, she judges existences on binaries. A person either has to be like my father or my grand-father. Black or white. Black here is my father and the White is my grandfather. I feel this is the core reason of my post-modernity. This is perhaps the reason why I hang on the hyphen in every aspect of my life. No matter how hard I try I can’t be black or white. I don’t want to be black and the white is unattainable.

The dialect within me is a chaos. It doesn’t seem to bring any synthesis.  

My I is grey.